Das sind die Regeln, Lebe nach den Regeln, sterbe nach den Regeln
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http://www.piratelaws.com/ 1. A pirate does not ask for directions. He relies only on his gut feeling,
a compass, or a treasure map.
2. Parrots are the preferred pirate companion. Monkeys are an acceptable substitute,
unless they fling their feces at people. Then they are an awesome substitute.
3. When fishing, a pirate uses either a sword, a knife, or his bare hands. Use of a hook
is only acceptable in the event the pirate is missing a hand.
4. Pirates shall always wear boots, except in the case of a peg leg. Then one boot is acceptable. Flip-flops are right out.
5. Pirates do not cry, except in the case of the loss of a shipload of rum.
6. When describing the size of a treasure, a pirate is required to exaggerate by at least 130%. Flowers are not treasure under any circumstances, unless said flowers are made out of gold.
7. A pirate shall never wear lipstick, nail polish, or capri pants. Actually, that kinda goes without saying.
8. No pirate shall discuss his feelings, unless his feelings include gutting a man from stem to stern and spilling his entrails.
9. A pirate should always remove his hat in the presence of a bartender.
10. During a swordfight, swordfighting insults are required. In the event both participants are still alive at the end of the fight, the participant with the superior insults shall be declared the victor.
11. No pirate shall ever wear a "fanny pack".
12. All foods prepared by a pirate must include rum, grog, or beer. Boone's and other "Wench Punch" is prohibited.
13. A pirate may never compliment another pirate on the softness of his hands.
14. No pirate shall wear a bracelet or a necklace, unless it is the tooth or tusk of an animal he killed. If in the presence of cannibals, a necklace is acceptable camouflage, but only if said necklace is made of human toes.
15. Pirate Law: Dousing oneself in beer is a perfectly acceptable replacement for a shower.
16. No pirate shall drink Grog out of a glass. Grog is only to be consumed either straight from the barrel, or from a mug heavy enough to to kill a man.
17. A pirate shall never wrap presents. The only thing a pirate gives is a bludgerin'.
18. Pirate Law: A pirate does not use the word "Fabulous". Ever.
19. No pirate shall attend a movie with less than an Arrrr rating.
20. Only a pirate is capable of killing another pirate. If you are not a pirate (let's say a ninja) and wish to challenge a pirate, they have a word for that. Corpse.
21. Pirate Law: "ARRRRRRRRRRR..." is a perfectly acceptable answer to any question.
22. A pirate does not "go shopping". Unless by "shopping", you mean "killing".
23. Under no circumstances is a comb-over an acceptable pirate hairdo.
24. No pirate may ever change his shirt because it is "wrinkled". A pirate may only change his shirt if it is completely soaked in blood.
25. When drinking, Pirates may sing. "Fifteen Men on a Dead Man's Chest" is preferred. Kelly Clarkson songs are not allowed.
26. No pirate shall ever drive a minivan, unless he drives the minivan into a tavern, for the purposes of looting barrels of rum from said tavern. Upon completion of this task, the minivan is to be burned. No exceptions.
27. No matter how hard it is raining, two pirates may never share an umbrella. Pirates do not fear rain.
28. A pirate may never wear another man's clothing, unless he first kills that man.
29. Two pirates must never share a bed or a hammock. It is perfectly acceptable for one pirate to sleep on the floor, or on a pile of treasure.
30. When setting out on a voyage, a pirate does not pack a suitcase. He is only to bring what he can carry under his arms, or what his wench can carry on her back.
31. A pirate does not mow the lawn. Lawns are for landlubbers.
32. A pirate must never visit a tanning salon. If he is not already tan enough from searching for treasure, he hasn't been searching hard enough.
33. No pirate shall ever sit on a toilet seat, for any reason.
34. When swimming, pirates do not dive. They cannonball.
35. A pirate's diet consists mainly of meat. If at sea, and meat is not available, shoe leather is an acceptable replacement.
36. Pirate Law: When choosing clothing, if it doesn't smell dirty, and it doesn't look dirty, then it is clean.
37. No pirate shall ever play wiffle ball.
38. When at the office, answering the telephone with "Arrrrrrr" is perfectly acceptable for pirates. Other acceptable choices are "Avast!", and "Ahoy Matey!"
39. A Pirate does not read poetry, unless said poetry is scrawled on the wall of a bathroom.
40. Spilling rum is not acceptable, except in the act of "pouring some out for dead homies".
41. A pirate may tell any tale of swashbuckling without being called on the details, as long as at least 51% of the story is true.
42. A pirate may never shave below the neck. Shaving above the neck is allowed, but only if the pirate shaves his entire head. In the presence of cannibals, a mohawk is acceptable.
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